I had a weird anxiety feeling in my chest earlier today... I got upset because I couldn't figure out what I was upset about.. Everything was OK.. Then I started daydreaming about losing ten pounds and I literally forgot I was upset.
Who else does this? I am not the only one, sometimes I get upset when my fantasies about being skinny are interrupted by idk.. things like life.. and people wanting to do annoying things like.. talk to me.. and stuff.. For some reason though, no matter what is going on, I would rather be daydreaming in my head.
I think the most appealing part about looking forward all the time is that I can make myself be whatever I want, and seen however I want.. It all just takes time. I don't want people to recognize me when I go back home. I want everyone to forget the fat person that left a year ago. I know that it matters to them for less then a second when they see me, but for some reason this shit matters to me. I fucking hate it. I don't think its fair that my fantasies include being comfortable in a bathing suit and comfortable with my boyfriend, not just comfortable but proud. This is my top desire and its pathetic. I tell myself that over and over, I know its stupid, I know it doesn't matter.. but I am 5'5 and I weigh 122 pounds. I am a size 2 or 3 and I still feel like a fucking cow with my shirt off.
I am not crazy, I know how my body looks, I can see it, I can see how other girls bodies look. I can see how much better they look.. so needless to say when people try and tell me I look great I get annoyed because I can't fucking see what the hell they are talking about. I am getting upset thinking about it now as I type this. Why the hell can't I have a body that I can stand to look at without wanting to throw up or cry after seeing it for more then 3 seconds.
I don't want people to tell me I look good, I want to fucking look good. It is not a mental problem or deep-seated daddy issue. I think that I deserve to have a body I fucking love, I think everyone does. It seems like people who weigh 20 pounds more then I do carry their weight great.. I am learning as I shed pounds that I still look like the same me just slightly smaller. I feel like I want to hack the parts of my body that I don't like off I am so at my wits end. I have been dealing with this since 6th grade and I just want to be at the finish line. I can feel it.. maybe 10 more pounds, but I am starting to realize that I just don't have the body I want, no matter how much I lose..
so thats it..
stuck. Like usual.
