This is What 'WE' Believe (How I Became an Atheist)

            I was in 2^nd grade, maybe a year older or younger I don’t remember, I was on a school field trip that my mom had volunteered to chaperone for.  I don’t know exactly where we went or even really what we did; I just remember one specific part.  We watched a video about space and the big bang, I was thrilled.  I loved space, I loved everything I learned it made so much sense to me I didn’t want it to end, I wanted to learn more.  As we were filtering out the theater my mom uneasily asked me how I liked it.  Of course I went on and on about how interesting it was that that is how we started and that…. No… I was cut off..

           Mom:  “Well Katie you know we don’t believe in that right?

           Me: “We don’t?”

           Mom: “No we believe in the story of creation, that god created      Adam and eve.”

            This was very disappointing for me to hear.  I thought what science had come up with was way more interesting then this religious crap I was dragged to every Sunday.

Me: “ well maybe god made the big bang.”

Mom: “No Katie, we as Catholics don’t believe that.”

I was dumb founded, there’s that ‘we’ again. I find that religious people often use the collected ‘we’ when it is not appropriate.  Who was my mom to tell me what to believe? Who is anyone to tell anyone something like that, to actually say, no that is not what you believe you believe this because I believed it and my mom believed it and so on.  Those are not good enough reasons for me to devote my life to something that made absolutely no freaking sense. 

             NOW.  Those are not good enough reasons for me now, but as a little kid I trusted my mom.  I don’t think my mom thought she was hurting me in anyway, but I really wish she would have let my sister brother and I at least try a different church.  I never saw the inside of a church that wasn’t catholic until I was so much older and it was because my sister dragged me and my mom refused to go.  What the hell is going on here?  I battled with church for years.  I went to church with my family every Sunday AND went to church class once a week after regular school.  I learned all kinds of nifty life lessons in those classes.  For example, gluing cotton balls onto a sheep, coloring crosses, believe in jesus and god without question or you burn forever in hell, a lot of useless prayers (of which I never understood the meaning of) and my favorite part, whatever was going on in the desk of whoever students seat I was sitting at (It was a regular school during the day).  You know good life lessons.

               As annoying and pointless as those classes were church was worse.  I don’t think I ever listen to a damn thing that priest was saying unless he was telling a joke, which was rare, maybe once a year or so.  Instead I fidgeted in my seat and drew on the church bulletin.  As I got older, and I had gotten my first communion and confirmation (8 years of church “school”) I was finally free I didn’t have to go to church anymore!  So do you think I ever went when I had the choice? You guessed it no never, why the hell would I?  I believed in god though I didn’t agree with the obvious corruption that was going on with the Catholic Church. 

                After a little bit of research I had found out so much, it was easy and everywhere.  How many Jesus like saviors were out there? Well apparently a lot.  I was so confused; it seemed so obvious to me that it couldn’t be true.  I explained it to my mom like this; if you are a child and you believe in Santa with all your little heart, but then one day you hear that Australia doesn’t have Santa.  They have a kangaroo that delivers all the presents! Well that isn’t right Santa is supposed to go everywhere all over the world isn’t he?  Then you find out all the different “Santas” that are around the world.  Would you still believe in Santa? Would it make sense to? Obviously not, it is obvious that each culture has its own version of Santa because he isn’t real! How can I believe he is the real one or that there is a real one if there are tons of copy cats?  How crazy would it be for me to say, oh well I believe in Santa because my mom did and her mom did?  You would think I was nuts for continuing to hold onto a notion that is so obviously untrue.   

So now I didn’t believe in Jesus, I thought I had it all figured out. There was a god but no Jesus not yet maybe, I was not sure.  Well no Jesus no hell right?

                The process was happening and I didn’t even know it! I was still upset that I had not figured out my “relationship” with god.  That is all I heard about.  I was forced to go to church my entire life but then later found out it is acceptable not to go just as long as you pawn it off as having a “personal relationship with god.”  What kind BS is that? Are you kidding me? I am so happy I never bought into that load of crap.  It scares me to think that thousand have convinced themselves they are good people by basically having conversations with themselves.

                So next you can see where I am going with all of this.  I was curious to take a religion class in college, even with all my mom’s objections.  So every day I found myself defending against these stupid questions people were asking.  I was taking a class on eastern religions, but the class was filled with what were obviously Christians.  Shocking to see how close minded everyone was (sarcasm).  I was expecting more out of people but looking back I am not sure why.  I was always defending none believers, I didn’t even realize it.  A girl raised her hand and asked in the strongest valley girl voice you can imagine,

            “like.. um.. what do… um people who don’t believe in anything hope to?”

The teacher looked very irritated at this question.  We all know what kind of question that was, one that she did not need or plan on getting a real answer for.  It was just something she wanted to say to make people who didn’t believe think about this as if she was profound or something.  I still considered myself “religious” at this time, but for some reason scoffed offended at her statement.  How shallow and small would my world be where I believe in something so I can have someone to hope to.  The teachers answer was obvious but not good enough, he brushed her off with an explanation about how hope isn’t about who you hope to.  What he said was correct but this brainwashed valley girl was never going to get it.  I got it then and I didn’t even know it yet.  
             Then FINALLY someone told me.  I couldn’t tell you the name of the philosopher or even the exact quote but I remember it like it was yesterday, the feeling of everything being lifted off my chest.  My teacher explained a theory a philosopher has; it is that society goes in phases.  They wanted to know why the sun came up, so they said it was magic, then when that wasn’t enough it was god, but now we are moving into science.  I felt like my whole life I had seen the world through a pin sized hole and suddenly the hole expanded and more holes formed.  Along with many questions, but unlike the questions I had had about religion my entire life I wasn’t afraid to ask the questions or feel guilty for having them.  It happened quite literally in that moment.  I became an atheist, not agnostic not even a little bit, atheist.  I really liked how that sounded it was empowering almost.  I wanted to share the freedom I felt with everyone.  
           Come to NO ONES surprise people didn’t care too much about my “revelation”.  No one had told them yet and I wasn’t going to be the one to get it through to them.  Of course I struggled with not believing anymore, I felt the guilt at night for not praying and I woke up panicked that I could be wrong.  It was impossible to feel normal or right believing in something literally no one else did… nothing.  People are afraid to only have themselves to blame everything on or trust in I get it.  But does that mean you dedicate your life to a lie?  I don’t think so.

I have a lot to say on this so this won’t be my only blog on this topic look out for more.

Someone told me so now I am telling you. THERE IS NO GOD.

Thanks for your time J