Chemicals in Our Meat

Hiding Behind Your Beauty

The "Media" Made Me Thin

I hate my body

I had a weird anxiety feeling in my chest earlier today... I got upset because I couldn't figure out what I was upset about.. Everything was OK.. Then I started daydreaming about losing ten pounds and I literally forgot I was upset.

Who else does this? I am not the only one, sometimes I get upset when my fantasies about being skinny are interrupted by idk.. things like life.. and people wanting to do annoying things like.. talk to me.. and stuff.. For some reason though, no matter what is going on, I would rather be daydreaming in my head.

I think the most appealing part about looking forward all the time is that I can make myself be whatever I want, and seen however I want.. It all just takes time.  I don't want people to recognize me when I go back home. I want everyone to forget the fat person that left a year ago.  I know that it matters to them for less then a second when they see me, but for some reason this shit matters to me. I fucking hate it.  I don't think its fair that my fantasies include being comfortable in a bathing suit and comfortable with my boyfriend, not just comfortable but proud.  This is my top desire and its pathetic. I tell myself that over and over, I know its stupid, I know it doesn't matter.. but I am 5'5 and I weigh 122 pounds.  I am a size 2 or 3 and I still feel like a fucking cow with my shirt off.

I am not crazy, I know how my body looks, I can see it, I can see how other girls bodies look.  I can see how much better they look.. so needless to say when people try and tell me I look great I get annoyed because I can't fucking see what the hell they are talking about.  I am getting upset thinking about it now as I type this. Why the hell can't I have a body that I can stand to look at without wanting to throw up or cry after seeing it for more then 3 seconds.

I don't want people to tell  me I look good, I want to fucking look good. It is not a mental problem or deep-seated daddy issue.  I think that I deserve to have a body I fucking love, I think everyone does.  It seems like people who weigh 20 pounds more then I do carry their weight great.. I am learning as I shed pounds that I still look like the same me just slightly smaller.  I feel like I want to hack the parts of my body that I don't like off I am so at my wits end. I have been dealing with this since 6th grade and I just want to be at the finish line. I can feel it.. maybe 10 more pounds, but I am starting to realize that I just don't have the body I want, no matter how much I lose..

so thats it..

stuck. Like usual.

RE:TAG! - You're IT!!!! - Tag Tuesday #2

Drawing an Eye 2

Anorexia

The Life of the Baby or the Life of the Mother?

You, Your Teenager, and THEIR Sex Life

So I was browsing Hubpages questions section which I really love to do, when one really kept my attention. I already answered the question, along with many other people, to the best of my ability but I keep thinking about it so I thought why not write an article about it?

The question was a long the lines of a mom asking if she should punish her 17 year old daughter for having sexwith her long term boyfriend. I am not going to answer this question specifically here because I have already done that, but I am going to make a general guideline about what I think you should do when it comes to yourteens and their sex lives.

I will reference my own personal experience with this topic to give you a better understanding of why it stuck with me so much. I was always told that sex was out of the question when I was growing up, not until I was married anyway. That was literally all my mom ever said about it, until I was older and basically said "hey mom this is happening and you don't have control of it." My sister was always told the same thing also and now we have my beautiful baby niece Faith. 

Now my sister was the same age I am now (21) when she got pregnant and no it was not anyones fault or anything like that I certainly don't blame my mom. I have gotten along fine learning for myself, but I just can't help to wonder how thing would have been better if I didn't feel like my mom would disown me if she knew who I really was.  Where did all my mom's over barring parenting style get us?  I moved out, not exactly on the best terms.  There is a lot more that goes with all that, but we had a rocky period of time because I was just too afraid to tell my parents anything. 

Now I am gong to just be blatant and say that a lot of this will have a religiousconflict. IF you are religious and your main issue with your child having sex is that you want them to wait till marriage, you better get a grip. Teenagers are going to have sex no matter what you teach them.

Continuing on this point but diverting away from the religious topic, yes there is no way for you to stop your teenager from having sex if they want to. Even if you put all the restrictions on them in the world, watch them like a hawk, and are sure you just KNOW your precious little angle would never be caught dead doing the nasty! 

Would you stop having sex because your mom didn't approve? Do you really think that before a teenager is about to have sex they are even considering what their mom or dad has told them? Guess what, there are a million places teenagers have sex. Oh you thought it was OK to let them go to a after school function? Oh you thought since it was a walkathon for cancer there was no reason for them not to go? Well turns out because you never gave them a chance to be alone or understand why its gross, they are now having sex in the porta potty next to the football field. This is not a fake story, this is one of the million stories about people having sex wherever they can. That same person, had sex in that porta potty during school hours, so now are you going to home school your kid?

On top of that, what about protection? Are you relying on the schools to tell them about that also? The schools wait way too long if they even do at all to give out any kind of sexual education seminars. Usually that is only one time, ever. So if you don't tell them, or they don't take the time on their own to research it (usually when they are thinking they may need to buy a pregnancy test) the only information they know is what they have been told in one seminar.. and what everyone else has told them. You would not believe the crap that spreads around the school about sex. I had friends using plastic wrap because they didn't have condoms, and were afraid their parents would find them. Well you may not know this, and they didn't either obviously, but plastic wrap has tiny holes in it! You might as well not have used anything.

So getting to my point. I am not telling you to constantly sit down and lecture your teens about the practices of safe sex, they don't want that either. Just don't make sex a negative thing, That is all there is to it. If you treat it like a natural act that EVERYONE does, your worries will be cut in half. What would you rather do? Keep your kid under lock and key, but they are STILL having sex, but you just don't know where, with who, and if they are being safe? Now your child is isolated and is afraid to ask you for help if they need it for fear of punishment. OR you could let it be OK and educated them and KNOW you are not going to have that horrible conversation later.. mom.. I'm preg.. And you now have a healthy happy relationship with your kid.

Honesty and communication is what is important in any relationship, why would it be different for your kids. No I don't mean communication like you print out a list of talking points on how to talk to your kid about sex. I mean sit down and talk to them, like they are a person. Tell them what you worry about and what you are thinking, unedited and not thought out.

The only time I ever really listened to my parents was when they talked to me like they were real people. People who mess up just like everyone else, and to take it easy on you because you just want what they want, for them to be happy right?

Some REAL Tips on Being A Good, Genuine Boyfriend.

I don't know everything but I can start with my own experiences and opinions.

I like to use the suggested word link feature on hubpages I link as many different articles as possible. I don't really know if anyone clicks on them but I usually end up reading the persons entry if I link it to my page. I like adifferent range of posts and usually add it before I read it.

I don't really mind this post, it is called "Sweet Things To Say To Your Girlfriend" I saw the title and added it. The reason I still don't mind it that much now is because it is better then the usual hubs I am used to seeing. With vindictive titles about how to get back at your ex or cheat on your significant other. I don't like those at all so I would say I can't complain about this post.

I do really disagree with it though.

In his hub he says you should sharesweet things with the person you love. I agree that is all nice and everything but, when you keep reading it gives you these little phrases you should say to your girlfriend.

It mirrors the similar lingo they use on pet help blogs, "Remember your dog needs to know you love them, so make sure you praise them constantly and give them treats." BLAH! What woman wants to be talked to that way? If has worked in the passed for you I am guessing the woman didn't understand what she was missing.

Does this really work? Not in myexperience, not the ones you want to spend any kind of real time with anyway.

I noticed a couple comments that were left on the hub, giving examples of everyday phrases we have all heard a million times. "I was looking at the stars and I was pairing each one with a reason of why I love you but I ran out ofstars." OK so that is sweet. I understand it is the idea behind it, but really thats not much of an idea. That didn't take much work. How much work does it take to say you love someone? I can say it right now, I love you I love you I love you.

We are not your pets, and we are not as stupid or easy to swoon as you think. It is only easy if you are really in love. If you are really in love you don't need to look up these sweet little phrases. Just show her. Have sex with her. Girls want to feel wanted just as much as the next person.

In the post he suggest telling her hewants to take her on a romantic trip. Thats nice. Really that is all I think. I want to do lots of things what is your point? That is really sweet, if you tell her why and what you want to do. Otherwise how is thatpersonal? Why not actually take her somewhere instead. Or if you can't afford that, which I can completely understand, don't just mention this vague random trip you want to take them on. Make it specific to both of you, and say why, for example that you want to be alone with her.. whatever your reasons are. You know why you are with her and no one can sit here and give you a list of reasons why you love your significant other.

It is all about being genuine and about being honest. Don't mindlessly tell yourgirlfriend you think she is beautiful. whatever you feel about her looks say it. If you think she looks extra pretty at a moment say it then. Don't say it when you feel like you haven't said it in a while. Its better for you too, because now you are actually taking time to appreciate your relationship in an honest way.

Hey I am no expert on this stuff. Every girl is different, but in my experience I have seen girls complain that they felt like their boyfriend didn't want them sexually more then anything else. No matter how many times my female friends boyfriends told them how beautiful they were it wasn't enough. They wanted to feel wanted. If you want them, and they want to feel wanted, why not show them! Its not so complicated, girls aren't from another planet like a lot of people like to speculate, in fact that is the problem.

Woman are not as different from men as everyone thinks, and this type of thinking is part of the problem. When you approach a girl like she is an alien you are only going to say these mechanical phrases you have always been told girls want to hear. Men want there egos boosted, right? Well so do women, figure out how to do that and you are golden.

That is all I have for you now. If you want me to post your links in my hubs just write about a topic that is related to something iv written and ill add you at the bottom of my post. Its that easy :)

Dedicated to my perfect boyfriend TheJamesPope

My Chat with Ice-T's Girlfriend

I do know that people lie about all kinds of things, I will preference this entry with that. For some reason though I really don't believe this woman was lying.

So I was working a lot and really wanted to go somewhere nice to have my hair done. I did all my research and found the best place I could.

I made an appointment and got lost looking for it but a really nice woman helped me find my way, lucky for me she was going to be doing my hair.

It was a really nice place but I always feel uneasy at hair salons, like everyone is staring at me and I feel out of place. My hair dresser finally convinced me to let her get me one of their fancy shmancy drinks.

I ended up having a great time talking with the woman about everything you can imagine, when she brought up her own relationships and that she was now married.

She then went on to ask me if I had ever heard of the rapper Ice-T. I mean it sounded familiar but honestly I had no idea.

Turns out she dated the guy! I almost spit out my fancy fruit flavored ice cubes! She went on and on about how everyone would think dating a musician would be fun and exciting but how wrong they are.

My favorite story she told was one where they were both laying around their house and he was supposed to perform for some event. He didn't even want to move to get off the couch but she forced him.

When he got there he performed just like you would think with all this energy and all the girls were going crazy for him. Her response was, "hey you can have him, you can fight over the remote every night i'm done!"

Well i know Ice-Tea now. Apparently it came out he has a kid no one knew about and he was arrested for masturbating outside of a strip club.

All I wonder when I here that story is, damn how many clients did that woman proudly tell she dated Ice-T, just for him to come back into the news for masturbating in public.

Sometimes I can't even believe the hilarious shit that happens these days.

thats all for now :)

oh and P.S.
I paid $150 bucks for a plain ass cut and color. Oh well.

All the Negative Effects of Birth Control No One Tells You About

Let me say before I launch into all of this that everything I say is from personal experience and from my own research.  So take what you want from this but it is going to be really personal and honest.

So you are wondering what kind of birth control will work best for you right?  I will just be the girl to say it, condoms suck!  Especially those cheap ones they dish out like candy on Halloween at planned parenthood.  I mean you can't feel anything and you worry it will break, its so uncomfortable.. do I really need to continue?

So whats next? Well usually girls go for the birth control pill.  Seems like a great idea, it will clear your acne, make your periods lighter, cramps lighter, and all you have to do is take this magic pill.  So I did that I went and got the pill and took it, well you have to take it at the same time every day, oh and with food, otherwise you will feel incredibly sick.  Oh and speaking of food, did I mention you will be eating a lot more of it now?  You know why? Because the pill makes you crazy hungry, and most girls end up gaining weight. 

So now you have to take the pill everyday at the same time, with food.. You are gaining weight, oh and your sex drive has changed.  Did the doctor warn you of any of this?  I remember talking to a woman who was a councilor for a nutrition business.  We were talking about birth control pills one day, I don't know why really, and she told me about how she lost her mind on the pill.  Apparently it made her flip out at her 5 year old son for telling her he was hungry.  She locked him in his room and then curled up in the fetal position and cried.  She had no idea why but she just wanted to cry all the time.

So a lot of you might know the pill and its drawbacks.  So do you come to the next thing I did? The depo shot?  I thought about it had a higher pregnancy prevention percentage,  Come to find out the only reason that it is considered any better then the pill is because most people forget to take it at the same time everyday.  If you do take it like you are supposed to it has the exact same amount of effectiveness.  The drawbacks on the shot are way worse really, you gain more weight, more mood swings, and even bleed for weeks.  I heard at least 4 accounts of people I know personally who got the shot and was told that their "spotting" all month was normal.  One of them had to spend 3 months straight wearing a pad.

That is not counting everything I have read about it online.  I mean is it worth it? The shot last for what 3 months?  I would be terrified after how I felt on the pill.

Now it to the worst one of all.  Nuvaring.  Let me just tell you about this thing that almost ruined my life.  So like I said I went through all of these options, I even had the printout they give you at planned parenthood.  It tells you all the different pros and cons of each birth control.  Well me thinking I was all smart made a good ration decision based on what they showed me to start on nuvaring.

Well that is when it started.  I wanted to die every single day, the depression was horrible.  I would fight with my boyfriend over every thing you could think of and cry constantly even if I had no reason.  I couldn't figure out what was wrong.  Finally one day my boyfriend suggested that maybe it was the nuvaring.  DUH.  The nuvaring is so convenient you don't even think about it.  It is a glow stick thing you stick inside you and forget about until 3 weeks later, take it out have your period.

Well did some much needed research.  Turns out all I saw were testimonies after testimonies of people saying things like, "YOU AREN'T CRAZY ITS THE RING!!!"  What a relief! It was until I kept reading.  So apparently it takes months for these hormones to leave your body.  I only had the ring in for a month and its been a while now and I still am not sure if I feel normal yet.  What a way to really mess with your body! They even trick you and say that because the ring is centralized closer to your uterus there is less of a conflict with your brain and emotions.  NO WAY. Nuvaring is a very high dose of hormones.  It will also make you gain weight and give you headaches.

Now there are some other methods out there, for example, Mirena but you usually have to have had a baby to get that. Also that is 5 years and I can only imagine the negative effects that would have on you.

The patch is about the same as the pill, but iv heard nothing but bad things about it, for example IT FALLS OFF! I mean some of these choices seem like jokes. Maybe I am being overly critical but until the constant "teen pregnancy" exploitation BS stops I wont stop. Everything I just said is the reason girls are getting pregnant. Birth control sucks! Yes there are other contributing factors to teen pregnancy but I know that iv bought myself and other scared girls pregnancy test for all of these reasons.

Now after saying all that, not everyone has these negative effects, blah blah blah. The thing is no one will even tell you about their possibility until its too late.

So what is the answer?  I really don't know.  I guess condoms for now huh.  Happy safe sex hunting :)  

Cream Cheese Cheddar Cheese Bean Dip in 15 Minutes

I have never made this and any been left over, people love it! This recipe is a general guideline on how to make it but you can switch around the proportions to your liking, or make more, its very easy and quick!

Ingredients:

-Butter

-2 cans of refried beans (small cans)

-1 8oz bar of cream cheese

-1 cup favorite grated cheese

-Taco seasoning

-Favorite hot sauce

-Tortilla chips

Preparation: This only takes about 15 minutes to make!

Heat up the oven to 400

grease a medium oven safe pan

Step One:

Get a decent sized sauce pan and heat up a quarter of a stick of butter. When the butter and pan are heated some dump in the cream cheese.  It will be hard to mix until it has heated up some.

Step Two:

Heat the cream cheese over medium-high heat until it is all melted and blended with the butter, you will have to mixed the cream cheese a lot to get it to a smooth consistency.

Step Three:

Pour the cream cheese into your oven safe pan, then pour your refried beans into the pan that the cream cheese was just in. Heat the beans for a little bit.  You don't have to wash the pan or anything between uses because it is all going to be mixed together anyway, but you may want to add butter or spray the pan to keep the beans from sticking.

Step Four:

Mix in the taco seasoning and hot sauce to your liking.  You might not need to use the entire bag of seasoning depending on how much you are making and how strong you want it.  I usually use tapatio for the hot sauce but you are free to use whatever kind you like.  I only use this because that is usually what is laying around lol.

Step Five:

Turn off the heat and add the beans to your oven pan with cream cheese. Mix the bean and cream cheese together but not completely. There should still be pockets of cream cheese.  I like a lot of cream cheese but it is really up to you.

Step Six:

Cover the top of the bean dip with shredded cheese and bake until the cheese is melted on the top.

Take it out and let it cool a little bit. Eat the dip warm though it is the best this way.

If you are taking this somewhere like a pot luck or party I would make a lot because it always looks like more then it is and it goes quick! Even if it doesn't stay hot it is good cold, and it can easily be reheated!

If you want to make your own tortilla chips:

Ingredients:

-Corn tortillas (Thin)

-Salt

-Olive oil

Preheat your oven to 400

Cut tortillas into four pieces each. Then brush the front and back of each with oil and salt and bake for about 7 minutes. Check it frequently though so you don't over cook them, they will get harder as they cool.

You can also deep fry your chips in oil, that is a little more difficult but really good.  To test to see if the oil is hot enough dip the side of a tortilla in it to see if it bubbles if it does then its ready.  Also make sure to salt your chips right when they come out of the fryer so the salt sticks.

I also like to make my taco shells this way.  You just put the entire taco shell in the oil and use tongs to fold it in the shape of a taco shell while it is frying.

I hope you like it tell me if you try it and like it :)

Try Out These Recipes Others Did that I Like

• Quick And Easy Recipe: Mock Guacamole Dip That Tastes Like The Real Thing
  I am one of those rare individuals who cannot eat avocado, or at least much avocado. I love it and it breaks my heart not to be able to feast on guacamole dip. However, in my quest for finding recipes that...
• Free Spinach Artichoke Dip Recipes
  I eat out fairly often. I've noticed that hot Spinach Artichoke Dip has become a hot appetizer item on many restaurant chain menus. (Pardon the pun.) And no wonder, Hot Spinach Artichoke Dip is delicious!...
• Southern Culinary Arts: Awesome Fried Green Tomatoes, with Dipping Sauce
  Welcome to my online cooking school, readers! Today's culinary art is fried green tomatoes. I also include my own creation - a dipping sauce for the tomatoes. Before the hit movie and play, Fried Green...
• 3 Easy Mexican Dip Recipes
  Are you looking for a delicious dip recipe for an upcoming party? Whether you're going to a Cinco de Mayo celebration or if you're preparing an appetizer for any occasion, one of these delicious Mexican dip...
• Recipes for Vegan Dips (Black Eyed Peas - Chick Peas) And Corn Chips How to Make
  Hi there Sixtyorso, I recocgnise for this to be included as part of the great party dip assortments, and correct my oversite. OK, so here is my recipe for a chickpea dip, or commonly called within the...
• How To Make Homemade Spinach Dip In A Bread Bowl
  Spinach dip has been around for along time, adding it to a bread bowl makes it easy to serve. Whats good about homemade spinach dip is, its a great way to get your children to eat veggies. This recipe is...

Hey any suggestions on a recipe you really want or if you need help with your recipe let me know.  I can make anything you want and make sure it is the best and even to your preferences!

just let me know :)

Ricky Gervais on CNN: But are They Really Offended? No!

                       

Article first published as Richy Gervais on CNN: "But are They Really Offended? No!" on Technorati.

               On CNN Pierce Morgan interviewed Ricky Gervais about his views on being an atheist.  Gervais explains that people who are not atheist should not be offended when he jokes about not believing in god.  What appealed to me about this is not the atheist aspect or Gervais, that is how I found the video, but that is not what struck me about it.  I find it baffling that this needs to be clarified.  If you were to watch anything Ricky Gervais does you realize that he is never really that offensive when it comes to religion. Religious people aren’t really offended they just grab onto that phrase for dear life.  They think that it makes them look poor and defenseless, when really they are the majority and we are the minority.

                        I can speculate as to what is really going on here.  People are afraid and mad when people openly admit to not believing in god.  Imagine being taught that not believing in god is the worst thing you can do, ever in your life.  It is so bad that it never even crosses your mind that there might not be a god, that isn’t even an option.  You have been taught that the BEST thing you can do is believe in god without question, even if it means dying saying he is real when you could have saved your life to deny it.  It is that engrained in them.  I talk about it so emotionally because that is what I was told my entire life and if that wasn’t bad enough I believed it.  When I was younger I saw an interview Bill Maher did with Larry King.  He gave his reasoning for being atheist, and what I got out of it was this: who is the better person? The person who is a good person because if they aren’t they will be severely punished with torture and fire, OR the person who is a good person because they just think they should be.  It is understood that you will benefit from being good to others, just because you would want to be treated that way.  Not just who is a better person but what makes more sense?   That would scare anyone.

                        The issue is when a Christian declares that they are Christian they are actually saying; my religion is better than yours.  People can take that offensively, especially religions like Hinduism, with people who believe that you can worship in whatever ever way you want, some of them are Christians.  They believe in the same religion that condemns them to hell for eternity for being Hindu.  When an atheist says they don’t believe in any of it they aren’t saying that, they aren’t making these attacks.  In fact, that is one of the reasons I hate religion, things like that, the hating and the fighting.  All over something imaginary, different religions poke and pick at each other.  I as an atheist am not trying to pick at this disgusting scab that is religion, I want to put pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding. 

                        I am not offended when other people say they believe in god so why are they offended when it is reversed?  I cannot speak for them but I have no fear in what I believe. There is nothing someone could tell me to change my mind.  I am not afraid to defend my position or for it to be challenged, in fact I welcome it.  Learning and questioning is important to stay grounded.  Hey, please believe what you want, really it is ok we don’t mind.  But please don’t lie and say you are offended when we say hey, we don’t believe what you do, because you aren’t. How am I supposed to argue against “offended”? It’s a cop out.

How to Make Easy Cheese Tomato Sauce (Mac and Cheese!)

View Printer Friendly Version

  Only takes 20 minutes or so to prepare

Creamy homemade cheese tomato sauce and spaghetti

I made this up for our dinner tonight when my boyfriend and I couldn't find anything to eat. I really like it so I am going to share it with you :)

A Funny Confession Story

I was Catholic.
First communion happens when you are in third grade, and the rule is that you have to go to confession before you can receive communion. Great for me huh? There was a long line of terrified third graders lining the wall of the church. we were all here for our first confession and no one felt prepared. See I didn't do too much research before writing this blog because I want to talk about just what I remember... It sucked.

Church is Pointless

This is a little bit of a rant.

I wish I could get back all that time I waisted sitting in church and in Sunday school.  I was Catholic and we didn’t call it Sunday school though it was on Tuesday and it was called CCD.  3pm every Tuesday after regular school my friend Tayrns (pronounced Tearin[s]) mom would pick me up.  Class didn’t start untill four but Tayrns mom was also a CCD teacher so she had to be there before everyone else.  I didn’t have any other ride so we would sit through the teachers meeting for half an hour then go to class for another hour.  I feel like the reason no one really tells you how pointless these classes are is because no one can remember them.  I sure can’t really remember what we did.  I just remember begging my mom not to make me sit through those boring classes anymore. 

Bill O'Reilly is an Idiot

James and I made a video bashing good old Bill.

Being part of the YouTube community is something that I feel I am very lucky I have stumbled upon. It is a crazy constant conversations between thousands of interesting users who all have their own opinions and reasoning. I love it because you can say things to people that you could never say to their face, and they say things to you they would never say to your face. It is so much more honest because everyone’s opinions about you and everything are right there on the table. I have learned so much from other people I am surprised. I went on youtube to preach what I believed but really ended up getting more out of listening to what other people had to say. So I guess my point is don't read a hub or blog and just comment it and hope someone will come back and read your stuff and click your ads, take advantage of the unique opportunity to express your opinions but also listen to other people and consider really what they have to say, even if you disagree.

This is my latest video....

Bill refuses to let anyone talk to him. You talk at him, that is why he is so dated in his thinking.

My boyfriend and I made this after we lost it watching Bill argue an atheist about some signs. I think it is funny that it is so "offensive" and "insulting" for someone to even claim to be an atheist, but it’s OK to go around saying everyone who isn't your religion is going to burn in hell. Every other religion is each other’s enemy; I don't look at it that way. I see a lot of people who have been tricked into believing something and they don't even understand why. Of course if all you know is religion then why would you consider something else? Especially if you are told that doing this is the worst thing you can do? Tell me why would a religion with very little factual basis and really no reason to believe it other than blind faith's number one rule is not to question that its true? Seems a little suspicious to me, I don’t know, maybe some kind of SCAM. Well I hope you enjoy the video I know its long but it's good.