I Wasn't Ready to Raise A Kid

I woke up in the morning with one missed call from my sister and a text that said “call me please!” I opened the phone to see what time she called and saw it was 3AM.  She’s pregnant, that’s all I thought.  I didn’t even consider anything else I just knew.  Turns out she peed on that stick then called me the second it said positive.  She cried and said she didn’t know what to do, I told her whatever she did I would understand and help her.  She and her boyfriend decided that they wanted to keep the baby.  Well deciding to keep a baby was easy but telling everyone wasn’t.

 It was just me living in the house at the time with my parents, my brother and my sister lived together about a half an hour away.  Well my sister picked the best night to tell my parents OVER THE PHONE. I guess I don’t blame her, knowing me I would have done it in text or something.  I was sitting in the room attached to the kitchen where my parents were sitting at the table laughing together.  My sister called me and I ran upstairs, she said she wanted to warn me she was about to do it and I should go in my room.  I told her I would be there when she told them so I hung up the phone and ran back downstairs and took my original spot on the couch.  I heard my mom’s phone ring… my heart was racing..

Mom: “oh Liz is calling… ‘Hello’?”

I heard my sister’s voice on the phone: “Mom I have to tell you something.”

baby shower

                Mom: “Oh no Liz…. Wa…whaat?”

I didn’t hear my sister’s response just my mom crying saying “what” over and over again.  My dad looked at my mom and she yelled it at him “Your daughters pregnant!” I can’t even remember the look on his face then just my mom looking at me and yelling.. “You knew and didn’t tell us?” somehow we are now upstairs now.  My dad reminded my mom that it was not my responsibility to tell them those types of things.  After that it was just my dad sitting on the end of the bed looking at the floor with his head in his hands. 

                My Mom and sister fought for a few months after that, but one day it hit my mom.  We were talking at the same table she had cried at when she found out my sister was pregnant.  She was talking about Christmas and how this year wasn’t going to be that great because of everything that’s going on.  I was disappointed for a second until she looked up me and smiled.  “But next Christmas we will have a baby!” She said.   I was so happy to hear her be excited about it for once.  I told her “Ya! you are going to be a grandma!”  We started talking about baby showers ideas for my sister and suddenly everything felt OK again. 

one day old

                We all wanted a girl.  Let me just be the one to come out and say it.  Everyone just wanted to bring home this little pink baby in a pink blanket to a pink room.  So that might explain why about six of us were crammed into a small ultra sound room for the chance to know the sex of the baby.  My mom had even taken me out of school.  So there we all were my sister her boyfriend his mom my mom me and the ultra sound lady ok 5 people.  Suddenly out of nowhere the technician woman yells “GIRL!” just like that.  Everyone was so excited and I am pretty sure one of those moms cried at a certain point.  We all celebrated at lunch and texted everyone we knew with the new information.

first time I held my niece

FINALLY after bed rest and close calls my mom and I were speeding across the freeway at maybe 100mph while the sun was still coming up.  My sister was almost ready to push and we were still 30 minutes away.  The drive was a full hour and a half because my sister now lived with her boyfriend.  Finally we arrive at the hospital.  We saw my sister for maybe a half of a second before being rushed out.  None of us had really slept and finally the whole family including my brother and dad had made it before the baby came.  About an hour later we saw her doctor.  “She’s really tall.” He said “everyone is perfect you can see her in pairs of two.”  My mom and I went towards the room where I was about to meet my niece.  I walked in and she was still being cleaned off.  Finally they handed her back to my sister and from behind me we heard Steve my sisters boyfriends dad say “are they supposed to be all white like that?” Suddenly the nurse came up from behind him telling him he needed to leave.  I laughed; she was covered in a white film because she had been born two weeks early and I wasn't complaining. I looked at my sister and she asked if I wanted to hold her. OF COURSE! I sat down in the hospital chair looking at her big chunky cheeks.  “Hi Faith, I am your aunt Katie.”

        Jumping forward about a little over a year later Faith has a huge head of curly hair and is running around my room.  My sister and Faith live with us now and I get to play with Faith whenever I want.

before they moved in with us

         Summer was fun, we did whatever we wanted.  Of course my sister and I both looked for jobs but we took the time to relax and have fun.  The problem with not working during the summer is that once classes rolled around I had no money so I had to get a job. 

I wanted to start working before I had to go back to school and I found a pretty good job as a waitress.  I worked only on the weekends at night so I could go to school during the week and still watch my niece when my sister got a job.  Easy right? Baby sitting is fun, I was only working Friday Saturday and Sunday nights and going to school three days a week.  I thought it would be easy anyway.

Faith on a summer trip

 My sister got a job where she had to wake up way too early.  I am not a morning person at all.  I would stay up late writing papers then wake up to babysit Faith, even work in a YouTube video from time to time a nap finish my homework then go to my night class when my sister got home.  The weekend would come finally a break from school and babysitting so I can work.  I loved my job but it was so tiring and I made really good money but had no time to spend it.  I did this for about a year; I spent more time with Faith than anyone else including her mom.

One night I was smoking a cigarette outside of work and I couldn’t feel my hands or arms.  I threw and stepped on the bud and rushed inside to sit down.  My manager was convinced I needed sugar and I told him that I was over run and just needed water.  Next thing I knew someone was handing me a Shirley Temple.  I drank it to be polite and just told them I was going to go home and sleep it off.  I drove home and had trouble seeing where I was looking, almost like opposite tunnel vision.  “I just need sleep.” I kept thinking in my head.  

I finally got home to lay down.  My mom came in my room to make sure I was OK. SHIT! I thought.  I hated when she talked to me after work I knew she could smell the smoke on me.  Luckily she didn’t come all the way in she just stayed at the door to check on me because I had ran in so quickly. I told her I was fine and she left I jumped up and changed my clothes fast in case I had to talk to her again.  The feeling in my arms had come back so I figured I was fine.  I was lying down in bed when my face went numb.  I panicked and ran downstairs to tell my mom I wanted to go to the hospital.  I told her what was going on and we were in the car and almost there before anyone even knew we left.  My sister called us while we were waiting in the emergency room.  She didn’t even know where we were and by the time I left to talk to the nurse and came back my sister was sitting in the waiting room with my mom.  

                I had a panic attack and was extremely over exhausted and dehydrated.  They couldn’t really do much for me there but pump me with some meds that made me feel all loopy and send me home.  I felt like crap for days after that. I did nothing but sleep until finally I felt somewhat normal to go back to work school and babysitting. 

                I lost it a few times.  I am not going to act like I just went a long with everything fine.  I complained and yelled at my sister and told her things I didn’t mean.  We fought all of the time but it wasn’t a problem until I finally just realized it.  My mom and sister were constantly getting on me about not waking up early enough and falling asleep while babysitting. I realized that I am not ready to have a kid.  I am not responsible enough, but I was already in so deep.  Faith and I were so attached to each other I couldn’t just stop watching her.  So I promised things I couldn’t do and finally asked that my brother please watch her.

current picture of Faith

                My brother had to move back in with us because when my sister moved out after getting pregnant he couldn’t find a roommate fast enough.  He 26 my sister is 24 and I am 20.  Faith loves him of course, he is amazing with her.  I loved to sleep in but I missed watching her.  I didn’t want her to just forget about me or something I am not even sure what I thought.  So I would still babysit even though I was failing my class because I just stopped going.  I would drive to the train station and sleep in my car.  None of my friends knew I wasn’t going to school.  My parents would have killed me, but all I wanted was some freaking sleep.  My brother was working and going to school also so there was no one person who was designated to watch the baby.  Just whoever could would, and if no one could I always had to.  

                Work was really bad because it was bought by new people, they were awful and I finally just quit.  I feel like the idea of sleep ran this part of my life.  All I ever wanted to do was go home and sleep.  I would wake up thinking about the next time I could sleep.  I got kicked out of the college I was at for my bad grades.  I blame that only on me, I was very lazy with school I always have been.  I know if I gave more of a shit I would do better but I just couldn’t.  So now I transferred to another school but I never explain why to my parents, they still don’t know to this day.  I just didn’t want to put another burden on them like that.

my boyfriend and I

                Skip ahead. I now live with my boyfriend in SF. My family lives within driving distance and I am still waiting for them to accept that.  They are not OK with me in their words “abandoning my family.” But they are doing fine it looks like.  Faith always has a babysitting and I am not ending up in the hospital late at night.  I would love to see Faith but I really worry about going back home.  It isn’t the same there at all.  But it isn’t fair. I miss Faith so much.  I feel like she misses me and has no idea where I am.  She is going to be 3 in June.  I hope my family will understand why I left sooner rather than later I would really love to see her without feeling this immense amount of guilt.  No one told me I would miss Faith THIS much.